you cant break a broken heart

she stared at the distance, waiting. A cupcake, a candle and a lighter in front of her. He was supposed to meet her about 20 minutes ago, but as usual, he's late. From her seat, she saw him. A smile slowly formed in her lips as he walked closer and closer.

"hello love." he said as he put his arms around her.

She could smell him, the scent that she missed so badly. She allowed him to take in the moment and she smiled wider when his lips touched her forehead. She was about to speak when he suddenly leaned in and kissed her lips.

She avoided his eyes while pointing towards the cupcake in front of her. A lit candle glowing on it.

"Happy birthday." she said smiling.

"Thank you love." he said as he blew out the candle.

---------------

i miss your scent. your arms around me. the warmth of you hand. and the taste of your lips. but things are better without you here. you're done hurting me.

Sing me that song.

"I'll be your crying shoulder,

I'll be love's suicide.

I'll be better when I'm older,

I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

She looked into his eyes as he sang the words that she wanted to hear him say. She smiled at his attempt at carrying a tune. He was never a good singer and it made her happy that he's so willing to humiliate himself just to satisfy her wishes.

Words ran through her mind. She wanted to tell him so many things but she didn't know where to start. She just kept on listening to his failed attempt at singing to her. Oh how she loved this tone deaf little fool.

The words took form in her mind but her lips refused to move. She wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him right now, with him in front of her. She wanted him to know that he holds her heart in his hands. She wanted him to know how he makes her wish for eternity to be true. She wanted him to know that he makes her want to believe in happy endings. She wanted him to know that he, for once in her life, wanted something so selfishly. She wanted him.

The song ended and he smiled, a little embarassed. She laughed at him and he frowned.

"I don't know why you like making me sing. My voice sucks." He said.

"I know it does. But it makes me happy that you're willing to embarass yourself just for me." she answered smiling.

She kept on staring. The words slowly dissolving, her courage disappearing. She couldn't do it. She couldn't risk it. She would not allow herself to be vulnerable. And yet as she stared at his lips, wishing to kiss them once more, the words echoed in her head,

"I love you.."

Falling Faster

She sat on the ledge all alone. Her friends were having fun while fooling around. Silence and solitude were her only company. She needed no one and nothing, only time to think things through. the inevitable arrived all too soon and she felt like crying.

"How does one heal a broken heart?" she wondered.

She looked up to find someone new joined the crowd of her friends. She knew him for some time now. He smiled, she stared. Her heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second. Then another inevitable event occurred. She felt herself falling.

He is neither handsome nor smart. He seemed quite childish and immature. He's not her own version of perfection. But she loved his smile. The way he laughed. He isn't the type of person she usually liked, and yet this felt easy. Liking him felt easy.

It's a lot easier. It's a lot more convenient. Liking someone and not expecting anything. Liking someone knowing she cant have him. It's just like breathing. Simple. Easy. Breathing.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale. Exhale.

She liked him. She doesn't love him. She simply, liked him. He can never replace the person that used to occupy that big gaping hole in her heart, but with him around, forgetting the hole seems a lot easier. Ignoring the pain seemed next to nothing. It's lke the hole isn't even there anymore.

She looked at him a second longer, then she smiled. Maybe, just maybe, liking him wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she needs this. Maybe liking someone else is all she needs. Maybe after all this, it will feel better. A broken plate cannot be fixed. The cracks wont disappear. But you can always buy a new plate right?

-----------

His smile makes everything go away. I wonder if he knows the effect he has on me.

The end of a fairytale.

He held her hand as they walked. She slowed her steps to make the moment last longer. She wished for time to stand still. She smiled though she felt like crying. This moment was inevitable and it has finally come.

They reached the end of the street, his hand still clutching hers. In that very moment, she didn't know what to do. She wanted to stay. Leaving him wasn't something easy. Leaving the one you love never is, after all. But she knew this was coming. And it was time for them to part.

She clung to him for a moment. He kissed her forehead before she pulled away from the embrace. They looked at each other for a moment before softly he kissed her lips goodbye. She turned and walked away knowing that it will be a long time before she'll see him again. Tears formed behind her eyes but she pushed them away.

She took out the letter he left her.. it said the words she knew were coming, "I love you. I'm sorry." She walked on. Even the most enchanting and magical fairytale must, at some point, meet it's end. Same goes for love. No matter how true or how deep it is, it will eventually reach the final chapter.. And it will, inevitably, end.

-------

Nothing lasts forever. Eternity is a lie.

Untitled.

“You’re late!” she said pouting, as he walked towards her. He smiled impishly at her as he said he was sorry. She smiled back, and all was forgiven. After all, how do you ever stay mad at such a glorious creature?

She walked towards the escalator and went up to the mall’s higher level. He followed her. He took her hand in his, and without looking at her he smiled. She looked at how their fingers intertwined. She smiled at the warmth of his hand on hers, and in that little moment, her world was perfect.

She would have liked to keep things that way. His hand clasp around hers tightly as they walked around, but she knew it was forbidden. A voice in her head was telling her so. She took her hand from him as her smile slowly faded. He merely looked at her, puzzled at her action, and then once again he took her hand.

“Love?” she whispered.

“Yes, love?” he said softly, staring at her in confusion.

“I love you.” She said, not looking at him.

“I know you do, but why are you being like this?” he asked. She looked at him for what might have been the last time in a very long time, and then she spoke.

“If I were to leave, would you wait for me?” she asked him.

“What do you mean?”

“Would you still be there, even if I leave? Would you wait for me to come back to you?”

“Of course I would!”

“Why?”

“No reason.”

“Everything has a reason.”

“Maybe so, but not everything has a logical reason. I’ll wait because I want to. I don’t need much more reason than that.”

“How long do you intend to wait?”

“No matter how long it takes.”

“And if I say forever?”

“Then so be it.” He said smiling at her. She smiled back at him as he placed his arms around her. “You worry too much.” He said.

“Well, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.”

“I love you.” He whispered as he kissed her forehead.

“I love you too love.”

Because..

he was running down a hallway with white walls.. passing girls in white dresses.. he didnt pay attention to any of them.. he needed to see her.. to be sure that she was well..

he saw the door at the end of the hall.. room 29j.. "she's in there." he thought.. he stopped right outside the door and raised his hand to knock. he hesitated. what will he tell her? would his words be enough to console her? would his words be enough to take away, or at least, lighten the pain in her heart..

"probably not." he said to himself. but he faked a smile and knocked.

"come in." said a soft voice from the other side of the door.

"yo! how's the hospital food?" he said as he entered the room. he made his voice as cheerful as possible

"yo!" she said smiling slightly. "it's terrible. i hate it." she said making a face.

he laughed softly and said, "it's your fault you know? you shouldnt have done that."

he looked at her left wrist. it was bandaged. hiding the cuts that she had inflicted on herself.

"did you really have to do that?" he asked as he sat down next to her bed.

she smiled faintly playing with the bandages on her wrist. "maybe." she said not looking at him.

"hmm. and i heard you overdosed in pain killers too. is that true?" he asked. his eyes scanning her face to see her reaction.

she nodded. "so i wouldnt feel the pain."

"did it work?"

"against the cuts? yeah. it helped. against this," she said touching her chest lightly, "hell no."

he pulled her towards him. words failed him. what was he suppose to say? no words can ever heal her broken heart.

"it's not that bad really." she said pushing him away.

"how is this not bad?!" his voice a bit hysterical. she laughed.

"you worry too much."

"you dont worry at all. do have any idea how worried i was?!"

"sorry."

he sighed looking at her. she looked pale. weak. he knew of her pain. of her suffering. and he couldnt do anything to help her.

"how is he? has he heard about what happened?" she asked looking out the window. she tried to keep her tone casual, but he knew better.

he didn't even have to ask her who she meant. he knew it immediatley.. he knew she was gonna ask him this.

"cyrus, found out the other day." he said softly

"oh. really?"

"he isnt coming you know. he wont come to take care of you."

"i know. but it wont hurt to hope right?"

"why? why must you care about him? why must you hurt yourself because of him?"

"because.."

"because what?!!"

"i love him."

she looked him straight in the eyes she said them.. "i love him."

the words stabbed him. she loved him this much. how was he suppose to compete with that?

"he doesnt love you!" he blurted out.

"oh i know that." she said looking away again.

"then why? why do you still love him?"

"why do you still breathe?"

"THERE ARE A LOT MORE GUYS OUT THERE! ONES WHO WILL LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU! GUYS WHO WILL NOT HURT YOU! THEY'LL LOVE YOU AND TAKE CARE OF YOU!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR HIM?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LET YOURSELF GET HURT BECAUSE OF HIM?!!" he said. anger dripping from every word. "why cant you just, find someone else?"

"there are other guys out there. better looking. more intelligent. sweeter than anyone else. someone who could love me more than anyone else could. someone who will protect me and take care of me. one who can promise me forever and mean it. i know all those things. i've always known." she said smiling.

"then why?"

"because they're not him." she said. a small smile in her lips as she looked at him. "oh they can love me. care for me. provide me with everything i could ever ask for. but they can never compare to him. whoever these people are, they cant be him. they wont make my heart beat the way it does when he's around. they cant make all my worry disappear by just smiling at me the way he can. their touch wont make my heart race the way his can."

she looked at him her eyes clouded with tears.
"he's all i want. he's all i need. and im willing to wait." she said finally.

"you're waiting in vain." he said, his fist clenched.

she took his hand and held it in both of hers.

"like i said, you worry too much." she said smiling.

he couldnt do anything else. she pulled her towards him and held her close. he hugged her as tightly as he could.

"i'll be here if you need me." he said stroking her hair gently.

"oh i know you will."

"how do you know." he said pulling away and looking at her face. she was smiling.

"because you love me." she said her voice filled with confidence.

"yeah." he said. "i love you"

and he meant it. just not in the way she thought he did. he loves her, but not in the way that she could ever love him.

Nightmares

class was annoying.. i hated math more than anything. i stood up and asked to be excused just so i didnt have to sit through an entire hour of lecture with my clueless professor. i walked out of the room and down the hall heading for the girl's room, when i saw him.

"Cyrus." i whispered. he looked up at me, shocked. as if he didnt know that we went to the same school.

he ignored me, just the same way he always did these days. he used to be one of my closest friends, until the incident. he just kept on walking. like i wasnt even there.

"hey you." i said. my voice strained. very unlike my usual boisterous one.

it was obvious that he didnt want to talk to me, but he stopped anyway. he looked at me for a second and said, "What do you want?"

i looked at him. i didnt know what to say. i didnt know what to tell him. i wanted to tell him i wanted him back. i wanted what we used to have. i wanted him.

"n-nothing really. just saying hi." i mumbled

"yeah. well you said it." his voice was cold as ice as he glared at the floor.

"you- you really hate me that much?" i asked looking at him. silently begging that he'd look at me and tell me im wrong.

"no. i dont hate you."

"then what?"

"i just dont want you in my life anymore. im done with you. and i dont need you anymore."

his words stung. i closed my eyes forcing the tears back. i didnt want him to see me cry.

"dont cry." he said in his harsh voice. it wasnt concern in his voice. it was an order. a warning even.

"im not." i said softly looking away from him.

"good." he said as he started to move forward again.

"im leaving." i said a bit louder, "im going out of the country. i might not come back." i said hoping it would change things. hoping he'd look at me and ask me to stay. he didnt.

"good for you. you can start your life over." he said as he kept walking. he was getting closer to where i stood.

"Cyrus. please. at least listen to me." i begged him. i didnt know what else to do.

"hn." he said looking at his finger nails waiting for me to speak.

"i need you." i said the desperation in my voice more obvious than i could have imagined. i sounded pathetic.

"and so?" he said glaring at the wall.

"please. dont be like this. what do you want me to do? what am i suppose to do to fix this? i just want you back. is that so much to ask?"

"yes. it is."

my heart stopped beating. "w-why?"

"you cant fix this. stop trying. i dont care about you. and you should stop caring about me. i was using you, isnt that obvious?"

"y-you were?"

"yes. i was. you mean nothing to me. just a toy. and i got bored."

i couldnt breathe. this wasnt making sense.

"you're lying." i whispered, not believing what he was telling me.

he laughed. his laugh wasnt the way i remembered it. has it always been this cold?

"believe what you want to believe. if that is all." he said taking a step towards me. "i need to get back to class."

i grabbed his left arm in panic as he drew closer. "please dont go." i said, my voice weak. pleading.

he jerked his arm away and glared at me. "dont touch me." he said as he continued walking down the hall. "goodbye" was the last word out of his mouth. he rounded the corner and he was gone.

hugging myself tighly i slowly dropped to my knees. the tears started falling. my body shaking violently. it hurts. i couldnt breathe. it felt like i was dying.

the whole world was crashing down on me and i couldnt do anything to stop it. i wanted it to end. i wanted the pain to go away.

then i woke up screaming..

..and the tears never stopped falling.