Because..

he was running down a hallway with white walls.. passing girls in white dresses.. he didnt pay attention to any of them.. he needed to see her.. to be sure that she was well..

he saw the door at the end of the hall.. room 29j.. "she's in there." he thought.. he stopped right outside the door and raised his hand to knock. he hesitated. what will he tell her? would his words be enough to console her? would his words be enough to take away, or at least, lighten the pain in her heart..

"probably not." he said to himself. but he faked a smile and knocked.

"come in." said a soft voice from the other side of the door.

"yo! how's the hospital food?" he said as he entered the room. he made his voice as cheerful as possible

"yo!" she said smiling slightly. "it's terrible. i hate it." she said making a face.

he laughed softly and said, "it's your fault you know? you shouldnt have done that."

he looked at her left wrist. it was bandaged. hiding the cuts that she had inflicted on herself.

"did you really have to do that?" he asked as he sat down next to her bed.

she smiled faintly playing with the bandages on her wrist. "maybe." she said not looking at him.

"hmm. and i heard you overdosed in pain killers too. is that true?" he asked. his eyes scanning her face to see her reaction.

she nodded. "so i wouldnt feel the pain."

"did it work?"

"against the cuts? yeah. it helped. against this," she said touching her chest lightly, "hell no."

he pulled her towards him. words failed him. what was he suppose to say? no words can ever heal her broken heart.

"it's not that bad really." she said pushing him away.

"how is this not bad?!" his voice a bit hysterical. she laughed.

"you worry too much."

"you dont worry at all. do have any idea how worried i was?!"

"sorry."

he sighed looking at her. she looked pale. weak. he knew of her pain. of her suffering. and he couldnt do anything to help her.

"how is he? has he heard about what happened?" she asked looking out the window. she tried to keep her tone casual, but he knew better.

he didn't even have to ask her who she meant. he knew it immediatley.. he knew she was gonna ask him this.

"cyrus, found out the other day." he said softly

"oh. really?"

"he isnt coming you know. he wont come to take care of you."

"i know. but it wont hurt to hope right?"

"why? why must you care about him? why must you hurt yourself because of him?"

"because.."

"because what?!!"

"i love him."

she looked him straight in the eyes she said them.. "i love him."

the words stabbed him. she loved him this much. how was he suppose to compete with that?

"he doesnt love you!" he blurted out.

"oh i know that." she said looking away again.

"then why? why do you still love him?"

"why do you still breathe?"

"THERE ARE A LOT MORE GUYS OUT THERE! ONES WHO WILL LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU! GUYS WHO WILL NOT HURT YOU! THEY'LL LOVE YOU AND TAKE CARE OF YOU!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR HIM?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LET YOURSELF GET HURT BECAUSE OF HIM?!!" he said. anger dripping from every word. "why cant you just, find someone else?"

"there are other guys out there. better looking. more intelligent. sweeter than anyone else. someone who could love me more than anyone else could. someone who will protect me and take care of me. one who can promise me forever and mean it. i know all those things. i've always known." she said smiling.

"then why?"

"because they're not him." she said. a small smile in her lips as she looked at him. "oh they can love me. care for me. provide me with everything i could ever ask for. but they can never compare to him. whoever these people are, they cant be him. they wont make my heart beat the way it does when he's around. they cant make all my worry disappear by just smiling at me the way he can. their touch wont make my heart race the way his can."

she looked at him her eyes clouded with tears.
"he's all i want. he's all i need. and im willing to wait." she said finally.

"you're waiting in vain." he said, his fist clenched.

she took his hand and held it in both of hers.

"like i said, you worry too much." she said smiling.

he couldnt do anything else. she pulled her towards him and held her close. he hugged her as tightly as he could.

"i'll be here if you need me." he said stroking her hair gently.

"oh i know you will."

"how do you know." he said pulling away and looking at her face. she was smiling.

"because you love me." she said her voice filled with confidence.

"yeah." he said. "i love you"

and he meant it. just not in the way she thought he did. he loves her, but not in the way that she could ever love him.

Nightmares

class was annoying.. i hated math more than anything. i stood up and asked to be excused just so i didnt have to sit through an entire hour of lecture with my clueless professor. i walked out of the room and down the hall heading for the girl's room, when i saw him.

"Cyrus." i whispered. he looked up at me, shocked. as if he didnt know that we went to the same school.

he ignored me, just the same way he always did these days. he used to be one of my closest friends, until the incident. he just kept on walking. like i wasnt even there.

"hey you." i said. my voice strained. very unlike my usual boisterous one.

it was obvious that he didnt want to talk to me, but he stopped anyway. he looked at me for a second and said, "What do you want?"

i looked at him. i didnt know what to say. i didnt know what to tell him. i wanted to tell him i wanted him back. i wanted what we used to have. i wanted him.

"n-nothing really. just saying hi." i mumbled

"yeah. well you said it." his voice was cold as ice as he glared at the floor.

"you- you really hate me that much?" i asked looking at him. silently begging that he'd look at me and tell me im wrong.

"no. i dont hate you."

"then what?"

"i just dont want you in my life anymore. im done with you. and i dont need you anymore."

his words stung. i closed my eyes forcing the tears back. i didnt want him to see me cry.

"dont cry." he said in his harsh voice. it wasnt concern in his voice. it was an order. a warning even.

"im not." i said softly looking away from him.

"good." he said as he started to move forward again.

"im leaving." i said a bit louder, "im going out of the country. i might not come back." i said hoping it would change things. hoping he'd look at me and ask me to stay. he didnt.

"good for you. you can start your life over." he said as he kept walking. he was getting closer to where i stood.

"Cyrus. please. at least listen to me." i begged him. i didnt know what else to do.

"hn." he said looking at his finger nails waiting for me to speak.

"i need you." i said the desperation in my voice more obvious than i could have imagined. i sounded pathetic.

"and so?" he said glaring at the wall.

"please. dont be like this. what do you want me to do? what am i suppose to do to fix this? i just want you back. is that so much to ask?"

"yes. it is."

my heart stopped beating. "w-why?"

"you cant fix this. stop trying. i dont care about you. and you should stop caring about me. i was using you, isnt that obvious?"

"y-you were?"

"yes. i was. you mean nothing to me. just a toy. and i got bored."

i couldnt breathe. this wasnt making sense.

"you're lying." i whispered, not believing what he was telling me.

he laughed. his laugh wasnt the way i remembered it. has it always been this cold?

"believe what you want to believe. if that is all." he said taking a step towards me. "i need to get back to class."

i grabbed his left arm in panic as he drew closer. "please dont go." i said, my voice weak. pleading.

he jerked his arm away and glared at me. "dont touch me." he said as he continued walking down the hall. "goodbye" was the last word out of his mouth. he rounded the corner and he was gone.

hugging myself tighly i slowly dropped to my knees. the tears started falling. my body shaking violently. it hurts. i couldnt breathe. it felt like i was dying.

the whole world was crashing down on me and i couldnt do anything to stop it. i wanted it to end. i wanted the pain to go away.

then i woke up screaming..

..and the tears never stopped falling.

Dreams Reality Fantasy.

Welcome Stranger! you have stumbled upon my page. congratulations. :D

i am Maeka. i am a 19 year old procrastinator, who enjoys her leisure time more than anything else in the world. i am in a perpetually bored state and almost nothing can lift said boredom. this is my online "creativity" outlet. meaning i will fill this with random drabbles, stories and such.

the template is temporary. im too lazy to make one so i downloaded it off the net and edited it a bit to suit my liking. it doesnt even have a banner yet coz yeah, im way too lazy.

i welcome criticism. so feel free to tell me if whatever i write here sucks. dont worry, i can handle it and i wont go killing myself over something so stupid. just please have the guts to tell me who you are. if you want to tell me i suck, i at least want to know your name.

i will be posting some of my poems, photos and stories here. please DO NOT COPY THEM WITHOUT PERMISSION and DONT TAKE THE CREDIT FOR THEM. coz that is, and im sure you know this already, plagiarism. which is illegal and i can send you to jail for that. :D

if you have something to tell me, leave me a message at the tagboard. if you want to get me something for my birthday, that's on August btw, please refer to the wish list for possible gift ideas. lol. no, you dont have to buy me those. but i'd appreciate it if you do and i swear to love you for all eternity..

please enjoy staring at the empty void that is my blog. thank you for stopping by and wasting your time with me.. please come again..